It’s 10.03 AM…

It’s 10.03 AM and I sit in my office, clueless.

I arrived at work at 7.35 AM, twenty minutes later than usual. I don’t seem to want to wake up at 6.10 AM as I usually did. It doesn’t take me long to get ready in the morning – on average, 20 minutes. My breakfast is pretty basic, too – two toasts with Philadelphia cheese, four dark chocolate Digestive Thins and a glass of whole fat milk. I’m usually done within 10 minutes and stay an extra 5 to 10 minutes browsing through Instagram.

My commute is also short – a 20-minute drive.

The point is that I feel nothing about my work that makes me want to reach there early. Or even get out of bed. I am grateful (sort of) that it gives me the luxury of handling personal expenses and purchasing things I like. But I am not satisfied. More than that, I am done.

I want to be brave to leave this job without having another one. But there is no stability in this country. I don’t make the cut, or my nationality is the issue. Growing up in a foreign country for your entire life and not getting any benefits feels like my family and I have lived through the most prolonged, record-breaking scam. Again, I should be grateful that at least we live a comfortable life compared to the rest of my family in Pakistan.

Self-reflection time: My faith is in shackles. I’m probably at my all-time low. I have no idea what path to take; when do I shatter my bubble of status quo to have a life I really need.

It’s now 10.25 AM. I’ll get back to doing nothing.

Today I felt like running away

Today I felt like running away from my office, from this city.

One year ago…
It is a daily struggle to commit to your passions and interests beyond your day job. But when your day job does not motivate you to wake up in the morning – only to enjoy the crisp morning air with the sun rising – you are draining your precious energy on it. This is my current life situation. I am demotivated, and I want a change.

But I am not taking any step towards the change. My brain is in a constant zone of procrastination, as it tells me to leave things until tomorrow or the next week. I have wasted my year and the time thinking how will I do anything. But my problem is that I see the end, but I fail to vision the journey. I fail to create a map towards my end goal. This makes me horrible at planning things for myself.


I have taken the support of small group of planners who push each other to achieve your goals, to strive for what you wish to do. It got me hyped up in the beginning, but I am stuck in the same place for more than a year.

This blog has been in the drafts over a year, collecting dust. My consciousness only reminds me about the existence of this blog when I’m feeling low, but I still don’t do anything about it.

I wish to write. Really, I do. I want to journal, make art, and do calligraphy. To just…create.

I am so done. I already have patience. All I need is faith, prayers (maybe a miracle) and the highest faith in Allah.